February 2012

The view from Darciville has changed this month.  There has been a change in the landscape.  My mother has left her earth-suit behind, has moved from my view and gone on to paradise.   She has left this virtual reality, for the true reality.  I can only see that distant land in a very blurry way, and I am unable to see her.

The grace and comfort of God has surrounded me throughout the entire ordeal, I am much more 'normal' and 'ok' than I thought I would be.  So different than the imaginings I had had as a child.   I am not devastated, I am not drowning in a sea of sorrow.  I am just caught off guard by the undertow of blue waves that hit me now and then.

That is the impetus behind me taking a moment and writing here.   I was at the sink, cleaning up the breakfast dishes and I thought of her as I peeked out the window.  I thought how different it is that I can't pick up the phone and hear her voice.  How the view had changed.    The funny thing is, often when she called I did not wish to hear that voice, for I did not always have the patience to hear what happened on the various TV shows that she was shocked that I did not watch.  In the past few years I had learned to be more patient and respond as if I was interested.  I had finally learned that it was more important to let her feel valued than for me to change her values.   Now, today, I wish I could call her up and ask her what was on The Chew or Dr. Oz.    I just feel a little sad today and the tears just want to flow...  so I will go with it.  It is my heart hurting, it is the inevitable reaction to this loss.   

How odd the view is today, it is almost like looking out a corner window.  My heart sees the change and feels the pain, my spirit and mind see the change and am peaceful and pleased that mom's new view is awesome.